Amy's Answering Machine Read online

  Suggestion # 1

  When your mother calls, tell her you're busy with something she'dhaveto approve of.

  E X A M P L E S :

  “I can't talk now, Mom. I gotta go get ready 'cause I have a date tonight with David Mermelstein, thesingle doctor.”

  “Thorry, but thith ith not a good time. I wath jutht in the middle of flothing.”

  “I hate to rush you, but I'm trying to get to Macy's by six for their Semi-Annual Sale on Warm Sweaters, so can we talk another time? No, tomorrow's no good. I'll be busy all day eating roughage.”

  Suggestion # 2

  Agree upon a regular, predetermined day when you and Mom will talk.

  Just pick whatever day works best for you—say, every Thursday or every Monday. Or, if your mom is especially challenging, agree to talk every Veteran's Day andstick to it.

  This is what you can think of as Managed Irritation.In theory,with this strategy, your mother's comments, questions, and worries will still bother you, but it won't be quite so bad, since at least you'll knowwhenit's gonna hit and you can do your yoga or take your medication or do whatever it is you need to prepare for The Conversation.

  In reality,this is a little like prepping for a hurricane. You can board up your house, you can stock up on dry goods, but once the storm hits, it'sstillgonna put a major cramp in your day.

  Of course, you really can't compare a mother's phone call to a natural disaster.

  A mother's phone call is worse. For one reason: No matter how much damage is done, the government's not going to step in with relief. You'll never turn on the news and hear:

  “The president paid an emergency visit to Manhattan today to survey the damage from Amy's last conversation with Mom. Her self-esteem was in shambles, and rebuilding her feeling of independence could take months. The president has vowed to provide federal aid to help defray the cost of therapy, which is estimated at twenty-three thousand dollars.”

  Suggestion # 3

  THE ONE-WORD RESPONSEThe One-word Response is a parent-child communication technique that originated with five-year-olds. As in, “So how was school?”

  “Fine.”

  “What did you learn today?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?”

  “Yeah.”

  At this point, the mother usually gives up, since getting a chatty response from the child is like pulling teeth.

  The beauty of this technique in adulthood is that it allows you to talk to your mother and, without hurting her feelings, letsherbe the one to decide the conversation isn't satisfying soshedecides to end it.

  I believe it's possible to have a conversation with any mother using only the following five individual words:

  ♦ fine

  ♦ yeah

  ♦ nothing

  ♦ okay

  ♦ chicken*

  The fifth word is a good all-purpose response to any inquiry about what you ate or plan to eat.

  However, I caution you against using this response to questions such as, “How was your day at work?” which would only alarm your mother and prolong the conversation.

  *Occasionally, news stories will surface about bacteria-laden poultry, in which case you may substitute the words “macaroni,” “brisket,” or “stew.”

  Suggestion # 4

  Let your mother know that you screen your calls.

  The idea here is, if she knows there'sa chanceyou might be sitting by the phone screening, she has an Alternate Theory for why you're not answering to add to her collection, which most likely now includes:

  (Your name here) is dead.

  (Your name here) is in the emergency room.

  (Your name here) was abducted.

  She can now add a comparatively sunnier option, such as:

  (Your name here) just doesn't feel like picking up.

  Her feelings may be a little hurt, but at least it'll keep her from panicking. No mother, even mine, ever called 911 to say, “Hello, I'd like to report a daughter who's not in the mood to talk.”

  Suggestion # 5

  Ask your mother's phone company to adjust their rates.

  If your mother lives out of town, one of the things that makes it all the more difficult is the outrageous long-distance phone rates. They're too low. Mothers are serial callers, and unless there's some deterrent, they're going to pick up that phone and do it again.

  It's up to you totake action—write a letter or make a call—and demand that your mother's long-distance carrier abolish the nickel-a-minute deals and design a family plan that meets the needs of adult children. Here's what I think would be reasonable.

  Monday through Friday, until 11:00P.M.:$10 for the first minute, $35 for each additional minute.

  Of course, after 11:00P.M.weeknights and all day Saturday and Sunday—when you really need your personal time—the rates should be even better: $40 for the first minute and $100 for each additional minute.

  It's a plan that would work for all parties: The phone companies would get richer, mothers could rationalize that we place areallyhigh value on their calls, and adult children would finally have some peace.

  Until the mothers caught on that with rates like these, it'd be cheaper to visit.

  Suggestion # 6

  I was going to try to come up with a sixth suggestion, but then I had a scary thought: Could all this advice giving mean I'm turning into my mother?

  GLOSSARY

  Please note:This glossary will only give you a general “feel” for a word. Many of these words have various meanings, but I've only listed the ones you'll need to understand my mother's messages. If you happen to be a Yiddish scholar—which I doubt, or you wouldn't be looking up these words in the first place—please forgive me for not providing a more complete definition.

  eppes:averyversatile word, meaning “well” or “maybe” but also meaning “really” and . . . well . . .eppes,it's hard to define.

  farshtupped:all stuffed up.

  feh:an exclamation indicating disgust.

  farmisht:totally confused; probably howyoufeel reading these vague definitions.

  keppie:head.

  mamascheinz:sweetie-pie.

  nosh:snack.

  pish:to urinate.

  plotz:to burst or explode due to overwhelming emotion.

  shlep:to take a long, difficult trip. Also, to drag something.

  shmegegge:a dopey guy or a nerd.

  shmekel:penis.

  shtup:an act that involves ashmekel;you can figure it out from there.

  tuchas:buttocks.